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Well hello there, I am so glad you guys could make it… wow you look great today… come in and join the others. There’s some hot and cold finger food on the dining table and the desserts are on the kitchen bench oh and help yourself to a drink or coffee.
You know, whether you are in a new relationship or an old relationship, you are blessed to have a partner but it is amazing how many couples take each other for granted and over time the intimacy dries up, couples exist in the same house together but live separate lives… and yet the expectation for one or both parties is that the relationship stay intact without any effort, when in actual fact, they just become housemates... strangers in the same house.
(Disclaimer - this probably will not help if you're partner is abusive in the relationship, there is no cheating or lies... that is a different category all together)
Now it doesn’t matter what side of the fence you are sitting on… whether you are the one deprived or the one depriving the other of intimacy… this is for both because believe me, your relationship is suffering whether you are aware of it or not. You are robbing yourselves of a wonderful life together. In the age of social media where anything is possible… just be aware that most of those that are deprived are seeking intimacy elsewhere, even virtually and those that are depriving that person, usually have no clue and think all is ok.
The opposite of loneliness is not togetherness, it’s intimacy
Fixing it – Communication! Communication!
Whilst I don’t agree with going behind your partners back… I am not here to judge… however the better option is to try to fix the problem and one of the ways is by communicating… it might be hard to communicate how and what you are feeling at first and the other person will probably think you are putting the blame on them and shut the conversation down… however be gentle, be honest and tell them what you are feeling. It might cause an argument but continue to be gentle and say what you need to say. Give it a few days and talk about it again. Your partner might have thought it over and ready to talk or your partner might think that you are the one not being intimate or have grown distant. Don’t take it to heart, this is your time to fix it. By the way, when you are telling them how you feel, touch them. Either hold their hand or touch their leg, just touch them. If it has reached the point that you don’t even touch each other anymore, then sit as close to them as possible.
Sometimes it is no one’s fault… it is the lack of communication and assumptions of both parties… when you both think that the other person is depriving you of intimacy or you might think that the other party finds you less attractive, stop assuming.
Communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life, without it… it dies – Tony Gaskins
I understand at times, especially when the kids are young, your sex life takes a little bit of a back seat so it is important to bring it to the forefront and date nights are very important. When you start to have sex less frequently then it becomes a habit and over time you won’t want to do it anymore. This mostly happens to women but I know of a few males that this effects and they have lost their libido.
Women usually find it hard to show their body especially if they have put on weight or their body changes after childbirth. We think we are no longer lovely to look at but ladies let me tell you something, your partner usually doesn’t see you the way you see yourself. They are grateful for someone that loves them, and grateful that someone is there for them and they are happy for a sex life and if you really don’t like the way you look then you need to do something about it for you… not for anyone else. Be confident in who you are, confidence is sexy.
It amazes me how many people lose weight and start looking after themselves after a divorce… the reality is, we should look after ourselves always because our health is important and when we look good, we feel good and when we feel good, we look good. I am also amazed how many people become sexually active after divorce when in some instances, their lack of sex drive contributed to the breakdown of their marriage.
You Have To Remember That Your Partner Comes Before Your Kids. When Your Kids See That You And Your Partner Have A Loving Relationship, They Grow Up Feeling Stability. (Now please don’t think I am telling you to neglect your kids… they should never be neglected. They are priceless)
I am pretty sure I don’t need to explain sex to you but did you know sex has so many benefits.
Benefits of Sex
- It burns calories (I had to add that in because most people want to burn off calories and what a great way to do it right?)
- It boosts your libido – the more sex you have the more you crave it.
- It boosts your immune system – yes it’s true
- Improves sleep – the hormone prolactin is released which is responsible for the feeling of relaxation and sleepiness after sex.
- Soothes stress – the hormone serotonin (the feel-good hormone) is released and one of the benefits is that it makes you feel satisfied.
- SEX IMPROVES INTIMACY – it increases the level of oxytocin which helps us feel closer to our partners.
What is Intimacy
- Spending time cuddling – when you are watching TV, reading or listening to music… touching is very important, it shows you care
- Communication – cuddling is a great way to start a conversation. Talk about what is really important to you or play a game… truth or dare. It is amazing how much you learn from each other. Ask about their dreams, fears or dare them into doing something they have never done before.
- Try something new together – this might be great on date nights. It will give you something to talk about and keep a conversation going
- Massage – what better way than getting intimate… this will definitely help you unwind
- Dance – put some music on and slow dance together. It doesn’t matter if you can’t dance… it isn’t about that at all. Even if it is just one song… being so close together bonds you. Or make it a game… you take turns in choosing a song each night.
- Kissing – kissing is undervalued in a lot of cultures but it unleashes your desires. It amazes me that some people don’t like kissing… I always wonder that perhaps they have had partners that didn’t know what they were doing.
- Write a note – put your feelings on a note or card and put it under your partner’s pillow for them to discover, or put it with their lunch if you pack their lunch, it makes them feel special and will put a smile on their face all day. Do it randomly but do it often.
- Cook together – or for each other… if you are not the one that usually cooks or if you think you can’t cook, then find an easy recipe and cook it.
- Date night – this is so important especially when you have young kids. The chores and craziness of life takes you away from bonding and communicating with your partner but it is important to set time aside to do this. Once a fortnight is a great time to do it (more if you can) but it gives you something to look forward to and dress up for the occasion… even if you are having date night at home.
- Empty nesters – this is when a lot of marriages break down because the focus has always been on the kids and when they leave, it feels like they are living with a stranger. It is so important you do the above throughout your marriage but it is never too late to start again.
Benefits of Intimacy
- Closeness – you feel like your partner has your back
- Security – it makes you feel like you are protected and you belong
- Happier – you have more confidence when you feel like you are loved
- Feeds your relationship – it helps strengthen your bond of love
- Makes you feel wanted – you feel like you are the one for your partner.
- Health – helps maintain body weight, increases blood flow, lowers cholesterol, relieves stress, boosts testosterone and estrogen, and helps manage pain. That is just a few examples.
If the spark has gone… learn to fall in love with your partner again… it can be done, it might take a little while but if there is no chance at that happening… then only you are able to decide what the next step for you is. I wish you all the happiness in your lives no matter what choices are made.
Until next time… stay beautiful